Series of Unfortunate Events: A Parody
by LuciousMalfoy
Summary: Funny parody of the movie verion of A Series of Unfortunate Events. Rating for language.


Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events:

Babbling brook with cheerful animals in a sunny forest scene.

Babbling brook: (is babbling)

Cheerful Animals: (prance around)

Littlest Elf: (joins prancing animals)

Littlest Elf: I am the Littlest Elf! Watch me prance all silly like! (prances around silly like)

Little Billy in the audience: Yay!

Some far off narrating voice who is actually Jude Law: Haha, just kidding, there's going to be some depressing shit going down.

Littlest Elf: (runs crying off to mommy)

Little Billy: (runs crying off to mommy)

Far off narrator: This is going to be a series of unfortunate events. In case you didn't know.

Sunny forest scene: (disappears)

Hunchbacked narrator: (is typing)

Beaureguard House: (is smoldering)

Violet: Omg! Our house is totally burnt to the ground!

Klaus: Yeah, plus our parents probably died!

Violet: Yeah that's sad too, but like, now we have nowhere to live.

Sunny: (bites things)

Klaus: You don't think we could possibly find anything in this total destruction? Like, a spyglass plot point or something?

Violet: If we don't we'll have reached the climax of the unfortunate events in 10 minutes.

Klaus: Right. Let's go get it then.

Children walk into demolished house.

Klaus: Here is this totally unwarped spyglass that survived a fire that killed our parents!

Violet: Ok. By the way, is it possible that the fire was caused by, like, a huge refractive lens?

Klaus: No. Shut up.

Sunny: (bites things)

Car pulls up just in time after Klaus finds the plot point.

Fat social services man: Ok, kids. Get in the car. You're going to your Count Olaf's house!

Sunny: (bites things)

Violet: Who the fuck are you talking about?

Klaus: Does he know anything about this strange spyglass plot point and the fire?

Social Services man: No. Shut up.

All hop into car and are taken to Count Olaf's.

Olaf's House: (is falling down)

Count Olaf: Well, hello! Don't let this rundown squalor or my freaky ass hair OR the fact that you've never heard of me fool you! I'm really worse than all this!

Social Services Man: Whatever. I have other kids whose parents died in a house fire who need me to go pick them up.

Children walk in house, social services man leaves.

Sunny: What a shithole.

Count Olaf: It is not a shithole! I mean…I don't speak monkey. (looks at drawing of children on hand) So Violet, Klaus, Monkey Sunny! How are you feeling?

Klaus: Dude, our parents just DIED.

Count Olaf: I'm an actor.

Klaus: ….

Count Olaf: Clean my fucked up house.

Violet: You totally suck ass.

Count Olaf: I'm an actor.

Violet: …

Sunny: (babbles, bites things)

Later that day, Count Olaf brings his freak actor friends to his shithole house.

Olaf: Hey, I'm bringing my freak actor friends to my shithole house.

Violet: Could that possibly entail us having to prepare a ridiculously lavish dinner in 30 minutes using tools I will have to invent?

Olaf: Of course.

Klaus: Fuck.

Children go off to kitchen.

Kitchen: (is shit)

Violet: (pulls ribbon out of nowhere)

Klaus: How can pulling back your hair possibly help us?

Violet: Shut up. We need an ongoing gimmick, where I pull back my hair every time I invent something.

Sunny: (bites table)

Klaus: (regurgitates useful information for creating kitchen utensils)

Violet: (invents things)

Dinner: (is made)

Olaf: Where the hell is the roast beef?

Klaus: God, Violet, can't you ever invent something useful like roast beef?

Violet: Didn't you ever read anything detailing how to invent a roast beef?

Sunny: God, ya'll are retarded.

Olaf: (eats everything anyway)

Klaus: Hey hog, let us have some. We made it.

Olaf: (slaps Klaus)

Klaus: (rubs cheek) Hey man, all you had to do was say no.

Olaf: Yes, but physical abuse makes me a more effective antagonist.

Audience: (hates Olaf)

Olaf: See? Now go to your room which is also shitty and don't come out. Instead, think of ways to make me roast beef out of the shit in my kitchen. Go!

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny climb upstairs to their room.

Klaus: Wow, this really is shit.

Violet: Yeah. Hold on. (ties back hair)

Klaus: Are you inventing something?

Violet: Duh. Why do you think I got out my ribbon? God, Klaus.

Violet: (builds tent with sheet)

Klaus: Wtf. You need to pull back your hair to throw a sheet up like a tent?

Violet: Gimmick!

Sunny: Whatevs. Can we pretend like we don't live in a shithole with our creepy ass uncle?

Children: (pretend like they don't live in a shithole with their creepy ass uncle)

The next day, Olaf takes them out in the car. He leaves them locked in it on the RR tracks.

Klaus: Is there any special reason we're parked on the railroad crossing, and not say, on that patch of dirt two feet away?

Olaf: No. Shut up.

Littlest Elf Bobble Head toy: (bobbles head)

Olaf: Ok. I'm going in that little shop thing, in the meantime, just sit here with the doors locked and no keys on the tracks so you can get hit by the train and die.

Klaus: Will do.

Sunny: (bites things)

Violet: Dude. I think there's a train coming.

Sunny: (bites things)

Klaus: Ok. Well, Olaf is all weird and shit, so we might want to do something so as to prevent out murder. Just a suggestion.

Sunny: (bites things)

Violet: (pulls back hair with ribbon)

Klaus: Um. The train is coming. Now. You wanna speed that up?

Sunny: (bites things)

Violet: Hmm, Klaus, give me some information I can use that you'd only know by reading a small library's worth of books.

Klaus: (flashes back to train books) Hey! Change the tracks!

Sunny: (bites things)

Violet: Ok. I wonder if Sunny's biting could be of any help in this scene.

Klaus: Only if you need to cut something so as to propel something, like, I don't know, a Littlest Elf Bobble Head toy, across to the controls for switching tracks.

Violet: (latches onto switch and conveniently switches tracks in nick of time)

Train: (conveniently goes onto different tracks in nick of time)

Sunny: (bites things)

Klaus: Sunny, we get it.

Olaf: WTF! IS IT POSSIBLE THEY USED KLAUS' INFINITE KNOWLEDGE AND VIOLET'S TALENT FOR INVENTING AND SUNNY'S BITING HABIT TO SAVE THEMSELVES!

Klaus: No, asshole.

Social services man: Hey. I just happened to be out here in the middle of nowhere and I totally saw Sunny in the driver's seat. Which absolutely means she was driving.

Olaf: I would never let her drive! I deeply care for these children!

Audience: Asshole.

Olaf: I'm an actor.

Social Services man: Lucky I showed up, you three are coming with me.

Klaus: By the way, he just tried to kill us.

Social Services man: I can't listen to you or regard you at all or else the movie will be over.

Klaus: It's ok.

The children are relieved to leave Olaf, arriving at their new home.

Groovy Uncle: I am your Groovy Uncle. I also have freaky ass hair, but my house is clean and upright and I don't act. But I do have a wild snake that _cannot_ _possibly kill me. _Not that that is relevant.

Sunny: (bites things)

Klaus: Do you happen to know anything about this spyglass that has been of no use or relevance to anyone?

Groovy Uncle: No.

Klaus: (pockets useful plot point)

Some time later…

Groovy Uncle: I will now tell you an amazing story of an adventure I had! Because I am not an actor, and I've got roast beef already…ya'll can sit like normal kids…for like 5 minutes…because someone has to die soon…

5 minutes later…

Doorbell: (is ringing)

Groovy Uncle: (opens door) Oh! Look, kids! A STRANGER WHO LOOKS LIKE CREEPY ASS OLAF!

StrangerNotOlaf: Ahah! That is a coincidence, because of course I am NOT Olaf, who is, probably, I'm sure I've heard, VERY good with kids…

Klaus: Nope, he's pretty much an ass.

Violet: Yeah, he made me invent roast beef out of –

NotOlaf: Ok! Time to get started…with…um…whatever it is Groovy Uncle does for a living.

Groovy Uncle: Right! Not that your creepy resemblance and my nephew's and nieces' discomfort and your nonexistent knowledge of my career are at ALL suspicious!

NotOlaf: Muahaha – oh, I mean…is that a poisonous snake?

Groovy Uncle: Nope. Can't KILL ME! But (cough), that is in no way important. Really.

Klaus: Dude, that guy is SO going to kill you.

Violet: Fo' shizzle.

Groovy Uncle: Nonsense!

Violet: (ties hair back with ribbon) Hey! Since NotOlaf is actually Olaf, we shall send Groovy Uncle a note!

Note: IMPOSTOR!

Groovy Uncle: AH! NOW I see it! He's PRETENDING –

Sunny: You ARE stu –

Groovy Uncle: TO BE MY ASSISTANT! HE REALLY WANTS MY TOP SECRET…um…secret thingy.

Violet: NO –

Groovy Uncle: (is dead)

Snake Cage: (is open)

Snake: (is gone)

NotOlaf: OH NO! Groovy Uncle has become DEAD!

Klaus: God, you suck.

NotOlaf: I'm an act– I mean, I'm a scientist type guy.

Police: (are swarming)

Camera man: Crime scene! Must photograph! (photographs obsessively)

Klaus: What the HELL? WHY CAN'T WE FREAKING GO TEN MINUTES WITHOUT DEATH/HOUSE FIRES/CREEPY ASS OLAF!

Hunchback narrator: Hey, when I say unfortunate events, I mean SAD ASS UNFORTUNATE.

Klaus: Ohhhhhh. Gotcha.

Sunny: (while biting things) So…are we homeless…again?

Violet: Um. Yeah. How unfortunate.

Hunchback narrator: At least someone's paying attention.

Klaus: Didn't Groovy Uncle say that snake is harmless!

Violet: Yeah! And wasn't that assistant guy LIKE CREEPY ASS OLAF!

Klaus: Well, damn.

Sunny: (bites things)

Social Services man (who I've been informed is called Mr. Poe): Alright! You know the drill! In the car!

Klaus: But, dude…Olaf totally –

Mr. Poe: No, he didn't. Stop talking.

Mr. Poe drives the kids to their 3rd and most dysfunctional relative of the movie. Why she lives, but Groovy Uncle dies, I have no clue. Probably because that is more unfortunate than saving the COOL relative.

Alright, more good stuff to come. Comment with something useful, eh?


End file.
